I'm NOT a Lyrical Genius

I suck at reciting song lyrics. This has resulted in many a laugh for my friends and family.

During a preview for Dexter tonight the music playing was Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus". The hubby was singing along and got to "reach out and touch faith"

Me: Really?!?! Those are the words!?!?!

Hubby: What did you think they were?

Me: Reach out and touch me! You mean to tell me I've been singing it wrong ALL these years????

Hubby: (rolls eyes) like that's any different than usual... (he didn't say that last part. It was sort of implied.)

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WOW! I'm a plus size.

I was just reading an article about a "plus-size" model being outraged that her photos were retouched before going to print without her permission.  Of course - they made her look thinner and she absolutely did not want to send that message to girls/ women/ people out there.

The surprising fact?  This plus-sized model wears a size 10.

Later on the article references plus-size models have more flexibility since they can wear anything from an 8 to a size 20.

So I guess I'm a plus size....

No wonder girls (and women) has such body issues!

Sad situaton

This post is not about running.  And if you're a teacher I'm sure this story will be no surprise to you.  Which is sad.  It's sad that kids grow up in these kinds of environments.

Last year I was a Big Sister to Shaynice.  She was a great girl.  Definitely in need of the BB/BS program, for sure.  At the time she was in the middle of sixth grade at a school a "charter" school in town.  Since I'm not a teacher and don't have kids I had to look up what exactly that meant.  Their website describes it as a "no cost" public school with volunteer enrollment.  Sounds great on paper!  I know that all the kids are inner city kids (because if you live in the suburbs with a good school system why go somewhere else in the first place?).

In trying to get Shaynice more involed and excited about reading I found that she only reads on our about somewhere in the 1-3 grade level.  The school's website also touts parental involvement and lots of other encouraging, great educational things.  Well, I get the feeling that most of the kids are from situations similar to Shaynice's.  And let me tell you - in her situation there is no parental involvement, and no parental encouragement concerning education, let alone most of the other fancy things on the school's web page - in which they try to promote the school.  It's sad for a whole lot of reasons...

But at the end of the year I decided not to renew my participation in the program.  It was a hard decision.  There was no denying that Shaynice needed a positive influence in her life.  But I just couldn't give it 100% of my attention and that wouldn't be fair to her or me.

So, I think I probably have already told you most or all of the above story.  But I've got a bit more...

When we parted ways I told Shaynice that she was welcome to call or text me.  Or heck, write me a letter.  She had my information.  Earlier in the summer I got a letter form her that was short, truly sweet and also included her new address across town.  They had moved apartments.  I really hope it was better than the one in which they were living.  Of course it wouldn't take much at all to move up in circumstances...  I sent her a card back saying I hoped she was looking forward to eight grade, which she was going to be starting at the end summer (which had just started).

About a month ago I got a text from her.  It said "hi J. how r u? parking lot pimp"

What?  Really??  I could only wonder who she'd been around to start talking like that.  I was so disappointed I didn't immediately respond.  And honestly, I then forgot about it and didn't respond at all.

Today I got another text from her.  It said " Hi J. just wanted know what ur doing Da badest bitch"

Really??  This time I owed it to her to tell her why I wasn't responding.  I replied "Shaynice - I'm disappointed that you used this kind of language in this text and your previous one.  I expected better of you.  If you want to send me a text please send me one from the young lady I know you to be."

Her response was "Im sorry thats my mom signature Da  badest bitch"

*shakes head in disbelief*

The Money We Spend

I bought a Garmin 310XT back when I was training for my first half marathon.  It cost a lot.  I had a million reasons to justify why I HAD to have it.  And it truly is a wonderful device.  Quite the testament to 21st century technology!

But there is an adjustment period.  First, you have to learn to use the damn thing.  This is not a "plug and go" type device.  There's software to download, hardware to pair, settings to set (a lot of settings.... more settings than you ever knew you needed.  some you won't even know - which leads to personal research...)  Of course all this information will translate into an assload of data that you can crunch five ways to Sunday.  And if you're a numbers nerd like me you'll begin to see why there are some idiots out there that actually spend money on devices like this.  (I think I just called myself an idiot....)

But when something goes wrong you curse, and bitch, and yell, and (want to) scream "WHY IN THE HELL DID I SPEND SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS PIECE OF JUNK???"  Which was me.  Last night.

The only way to access all the fancy data from your watch is to upload it, via a special UBS stick, to a Garmin website.  From the website you can view and manipulate your data in ways that would blow your mind.  Of course, that only applies if you can get your data there...

I bet you can guess where this is going.  I couldn't get my watch to upload for some reason.  The hubby had tried to fix it for me last week with no luck.  (btw - it holds your workouts in memory until they get uploaded.)  My last uploaded workout was our long run on Sept. 11.  So the runs all last week had yet to be uploaded.  (including my 10 mile disaster on Saturday.... and my really fast three miler -during run-in with biker gang - on Monday)  He didn't have any luck so I finally had to call Garmin. 

Tuesday Evening.
Call 1
Duration 24 minutes
Activities:

• reviewed device manager settings
• reviewed pairing (watch with software)
• re-paired watch with software
• updated device manager software

When all else failed - he had me RESET MY WATCH.  Which means it ERASES EVERYTHING.
Now I knew that was going to happen but I was thinking it would just be my run data (laps, pace, time, etc...)  I didn't even consider that it would erase ALL my settings such as my heart rate zones, personal settings (weight, height, activity class, etc...).  And my watch settings - which is a lot more complicated than you might think.  There's lots to set in this thing!!!!  A million screens that each are customized!

Status of Call:
Now that you reset the watch it will need to reboot.  I'll hang up with you and it should walk you through the initial setup and you should be set.

Guess what.  It didn't fix my problem.  I rebooted, went through the initial setup again (inputting basic settings) and it still failed to connect my data....  So on to:

Call 2
Duration 36 minutes
Activities:

• reviewing what previous guy did (cuz he didn't take my name and record it....)
• have me check a few more settings
• have me give her permission to just have access to my desktop (which was just plain easier...)
• she did a bunch of "stuff" to update firmware (whatever the heck that is...), software and had my switch the USB port I was using.  You know, in case the other one was bad

She "left" me as the firmware was installing.  She said it should work when it was done.  If not I'd have to call back the next day (end of biz hours.  in her defense she was working with me way past their hours as is was.)  Ok.  I'd give it a try.

Status:
IT WORKED! 

However, I went to run today and realized I hadn't RE-re-set my settings!!  ugh!!!!  Two bad runs in a row is not a good way to go.  I need to stop this train right now!!!  So I'll spend the rest of the night (because it'll take that long) to RE-RE-re-set all my watch settings....

Watch out! There's a biker gang in town

Let me clarify.  Apparently there's a white, middle-class, suburban, middle-school-aged boy's bicycle "gang" in the neighborhood across the main street from ours.  And apparently they think they're a bunch of bad asses.

Someone forgot to tell them not to F with Mrs. Coach.  (that would be me in this context.  Not you, Neda.  Just wanted to clarify.)

Yesterday the hubby and I went for a quick little three mile jaunt.  (who in the world would have EVER thought I would refer to three miles as a "quick jaunt"???)  I was booking it (for me) and was actually in front of the hubby for a change.  When we run only 3-4 miles we usually stay around the house - our neighborhood, across the street in that neighborhood...  Very suburban, little traffic...  I can run right in the middle of the road (to avoid the cresting of the road as much as possible!!) and not have to worry about getting hit by cars.  You get the idea....  And I'm sure as y'all know - runners are to run against traffic - so even when I do run in the middle of the road I kinda lean towards my left in the event a car does come up my right side - I can easily maneuver over to my appropriate place.

We were in the neighborhood across the main road from ours.  I had only a half mile left.  I had a short straight-away and then an "S"curve and then done.  As I approached the straight away I saw about 10 boys, I'd guess in the 11-12 year old range, on bikes/ walking/ on skateboards.  You know - generally hanging about.  Thinking they're cool.  Normally I couldn't care less. Except they were in my way as I was running in the middle, on the crest of the road.  The majority of this pre-pubescent gaggle was on my left side of the street and a few spilled over the crest of the road and onto the other side. 

In rowing, or on the water in general, the rule is you always give way to the less maneuverable craft.  So a speedboat would give way to a rowing shell.  Well, I saw this as "a bunch of swaggering, couldn't care less pre-teens blocking the road" should give way a person clearly in the middle of a strenuous running workout.  Apparently they didn't see it that way.

I approached and saw they were looking right at me and obviously not making ANY attempt to move out of my way - either in the middle of the road where I was running or the far left side of the road where I should have been running - because I gladly would have moved to any safe, open spot.  And I didn't want to step out to my right - for my luck a car would have been coming up behind me that I couldn't see. So I did what cyclists normally do, I announced myself.  Instead of "on your right"  I said "EXCUSE ME".  Yes, I said it in louder-than-conversational tone because, well, because me even saying it was really unnecessary in and of itself.  They saw me.  They knew I was coming.

They didn't move.  Of course, 10 pre-teen boys pretty much qualifies as possible mob behavior anyway, and you could see that there were definitely some bullies in the crowd.  One in particular caught my eye.  A larger boy, on a BMX, right on the crest -  directly in front of me.  A clear study in pre-teen sociology, for sure.

Sorry - but I'm not about to let a bunch of pimply kids intimidate me on a run.  Call me crazy.  So as I got even closer - I did not change my course - I faced said bully (so close now that I seriously could have elbow-clocked him in the chin) and yelled "I SAID EXCUSE ME!"  And after I elbowed my through I yelled "THANK YOU" over my shoulder.

Ugh.  What a pain in the ass.  It's bad enough that kids are bullying each other so much more in school these days.  But bullying ADULT WOMEN in suburban neighborhoods??  Are you frickin' kidding me?  Of course it occurred to me to see if any of them followed me.  As I finished my run - thankfully before I crossed the street into my neighborhood - I don't need any of them knowing where I live.  I'm not a fan of cleaning up a TP'd house. - I turned to meet back with the hubby.  He hadn't rounded the corner yet but I saw a suspicious bright yellow shirt on a bike frantically heading the other way....

As the hubby and I were walking back to the house (no gang members in sight) I relayed my episode.  "Is that why I saw three kids on bikes following you??"  Great.... Now I'm that lady in the neighborhood...  If only they hadn't been asswipes in the first place we could have avoided this whole incident.  But I do find it hilarious that three of them thought they were bad ass enough to follow me - only to tuck tail and run the other way when I stopped running.  Geesh!

Potty Mouth

I forgot to share a funny incident while I was running yesterday.  Because, quite frankly, when I was done running I couldn't remember anything especially funny about it at the time.  It was *that* kind of run.  (as in "not worth repeating")

But after I reflected on it overnight I remembered a funny little ditty that did pick up my spirits around mile 7.  Which, by the way, happened to be the mile in which I was about to give up on this run.  But I didn't.  So I'd like to give a shout out to two cyclists.  Who are probably still laughing at me today.

Although a beautiful day to run, I myself, was not having a fantastic run.   Due to miscommunication with the hubby we were no longer running together.

Side note - when planning to run "together" communicate better when starting the run.  I warned the hubby I might have to pee.  He said (and I really quote) "Ok, I can pause my watch".  I took to mean "I'll wait for you."  When we got to a potty at mile 2.5 I tapped him and said I was hitting the bathroom and he mumbled "these shorts are driving me crazy!" (I had watched him fight with them riding up the whole 2.5 miles...) so when I came out of the potty a scant 90 seconds later and he wasn't there I assumed he stepped into the men's room to "adjust".  I waited.  and waited.  and waited.  and waited over FOUR MINUTES.  Finally I asked some college kid stretching if he'd seen my hubby "did he have water bottles like you?" YES! Did you see him?  "Uh, yea.  He went around the circle and kept going."  Son of a....

Ok, so after I steamed about that for about two miles....  I realized my seething was at least keeping my mind off of many aches and pains that I usually did not have to deal with.  But now that I was over the bathroom incident I now had to contend with running over five more miles and I was just not "feeling it".

Around mile 7 I was really getting down and came to a circle in our route back in the woods.  I was going really slow and mentally decided to buckle down.  No more screwin' around!  I was mad at myself for letting the run get to me.  "Mad" really doesn't describe it.  "Angry", "Pissed", "F'in Fed Up"!  That's what I was really feelin'.  And so I told myself so.  Out loud.   My exact words were:

F#%K!  C'MON J!!!

And right as the words came out of my mouth (most likely much louder than I intended... I was wearing my earphones, after all...)  a cyclist buzzed my right side!  I literally smacked both hands over my mouth I was so shocked to see him.  I truly thought I was back there totally by myself! 

Completely embarrassed, I yelled "I'm sorry!!  I was talking to myself!!"  And no sooner had those words come out of my mouth his girlfriend (I assume) came whisking past my left side! 

Apparently they did hear me because he looked back over his shoulder, chuckling, with a "that's all right!"  and they kept going.

So I spent the next mile and a half laughing at myself for being such an idiot and hoping they got a good laugh out of it.

You what?? Where??

I gotta couple of good ones for you today.  But fair warning - TMI which may or may not include grossness and/ or private parts.  Be warned!

I was telling my friend a story the other day and she told me I HAD to put it on the blog.  So I will - but now it will be shadowed by another story about our run earlier today.

Last weekend we did a 9 mile long run.  I had been getting blisters right on the tips of my toes.  Not under my toenails, not under my toe pad.  Just right on the end.  Of course it could only mean I was rubbing on my shoes and the solution was a new pair of shoes 1/2 size bigger.  I was being cheap and was holding off thinking if I could just get the calluses built up I'd be ok.  So the night before the long run I drained the blisters - like we did on our hands all the time back when I was rowing in college - and left the skin covering to help it make calluses faster. (gross, I know.  Welcome to running.)

After our run I was sitting in the tailgate of my SUV in the parking lot and took off my shoes to inspect my toes to see how they fared.  Most didn't re-blister!  Great news!!  But one had blistered up again.  Ugh!  So while the hubby was standing off to the side of my car, stretching, I was messing around with my toe.  I started pushing on it to test whether the blister had gotten worse.  Apparently it found the hole I had poked in the it night before and all of a sudden blister juice spurted THREE FEET out onto the parking lot asphalt!!  It came uncomfortably close to the hubby - who happened to see the incident.  I believe his response was along the lines of "Oh GROSS!!  Did that just come from your toe blister???  Disgusting!!"

Needless to say - that toe has not blistered up since.  (it helped that I finally broke down and bought a new pair of shoes....)

So today our long run was 10 miles.  Y'all be happy to know - per my previous blog post about my dinner last night - I did NOT end up toot, toot, tooting my way through the park.  But it didn't start out so promising....

I had to wait at the park for the hubby to finish coaching his rowing practice.  As I was waiting my guts dropped into 5th gear.  Figures.  I don't even row anymore and was still left to do my business in a porta-pot....  At least I was armed with my own packet of Kleenx - cuz you never know how you'll find the porta-pots equipped. 

Let's say I was in there for, ahem, a bit.  And when I left I felt a lot better and was confident I wouldn't be bothered with this issue again during my run.  But when I walked out one of the novice boys' boats (remember - teenagers!!) was on land, stretching.  Right there.  Nearly right in front of the porta-pot.  Great.... I could hear them now.  A bunch of hee-hee's... "hey look!  Coach's wife's been in the porta-pot obviously shittin' herself!!"  And then it occurred to me I was probably just being paranoid because, well, I was just in the porta-pot shittin' myself....  I sheepishly went back to my car to wait for the hubby...

So we finally got started with our run.  All I'll say is - 10 miles is hard.  I'd say that I'd never do it again.  But that would defeat the purpose of running a half marathon.  So I guess I will be running it again.... 

But some of the *fun* of running doesn't even start until you're done running and get home to see what new and exciting things await you.  (said with the thickest sarcasm I could muster)  Tiffany - you might want to stop reading here.

When you end a long run usually you know if you have started chaffing somewhere.  It might burn like a mother.  It might not even hurt at this point - just an uncomfortable feeling.  On a rare occasion you may have NO clue something has happened.  But everything become crystal clear once you step into the shower and water has rushed over your tender spots.  If you didn't know before you most DEFINITELY know now!!

Now like most girls I keep the lawn edged appropriately.  Don't need any strays hangin' outside the bathing suit, er, um the driveway.  (forgot I was using a metaphor)  And on occasion I trim back the bushes too.  Usually just during the summer.  Why bother in the winter??  As I was running today I noticed the bushes must be a little "overgrown" because I was getting the feeling they might be a bit long and twisting a bit in my shorts.  Nothing bad or terribly uncomfortable - just to make a mental note to take care of it.  You know...

There's nothing worse than jumping in the shower, thinking everything is hunky dory, only to immediately realize HOLY SHITBALLS BATMAN!!  I'm still perplexed as to what exactly happened.  Or exactly how the damage exactly occurred.  But that "overgrown, twisting and tugging" I thought I was experiencing was not an accurate description of what was really happening.  All I know is that it must have been some serious chaffing goin' on.  Which I was unaware of until I hit the shower.  And F#@K!!  It hurt!!

So now I have a new chaffing place I have to worry about.  But the problem is - I don't know how to appropriately "pre-treat" this particular chaffing place.....  Research is in my future.  But fear not!!  You have no idea what running information you can find online!!  Good news is - I'm never the first person to have ANY kind of issue.  Someone has always had it before and has shared their knowledge!! 

So THANK YOU to all those people who aren't afraid (or embarrassed) to share!!!

Potential Tactical Error

I may have made a potential tactical error tonight. I will warn you - this contains bodily functional TMI. Keep reading at your own peril.

Due to a crazy day and even the best of intentions I did not consume the most nutritious meals for breakfast and lunch. Although not entirely bad by themselves - they definitely were not enough to sustain me for our 10 mile long run tomorrow. So when I came home I announced to the hubby I needed a substantial dinner. Not a huge one, mind you. Just a better smattering of veggies and real meat than what I ingested thus far today.

So I chose Outback because 1) nothing beats a salad, slab of steak and some steamed veggies and 2) I had a killer coupon. Who can argue with that???

It did occur to me on the way to dinner "do I want to eat steak before a long run??" Truthfully - I've eaten worse. I decided I'm not concerned about the meat and thus continued on.

So I ate my salad. And my little 6oz steak. And I broke down and got the garlic mashed taters instead of steamed veggies. (We can't all be saints....) I love those taters!! My last delicous bite was actually garlic, not even potato! Yum!!

But before we were even out of the restaurant I was already gassy.

Uh oh.

See, I've come to realize over the past year or two that garlic and onions (esp fresh ones) give me HORRIBLE gas. That's a predicament because I love garlic so much I'd prefer to be "Gassy Aunt Gerty" than give it up. Onions.... it's a toss up. I love fresh ones in salad and I really love sauted ones!! I'm torn.

It's right about now I realize not only have I ingested all this garlic in the potatoes but also a boat load of fresh red onions in my salad!!

Hmmmmm..... a delimma indeed.

But it might not be what you think. I'm not worried about having terrible gas cramps. (Although I suppose that's a real possibility...) I'm more worried about running 10 miles thinking I could conceivably hold my farts in. Well it ain't happenin'. Which means I'll be having my own personal parade, complete with horn section, during my run tomorrow. And I'm sure some spectators will be suspect of said parade when they wonder who's setting off all the stink bombs....

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Sorry Tiff

I have to just say:

• Sometimes there's just not enough Body Glide in the world
• And powder (even Gold Bond) just can't do the trick...

Now if I could find an acceptable way to walk around nekkid all day so as to let all my parts stay air-dried I might be ready to go for my next run.  But this would also require me walking nekkid, legs wider-than-shoulder-width-apart with my armed stretched out and above my head.  (Think crab walking upright.)  I'm pretty sure I'd scare the kids.  Even if I had clothes on...

things I want to un-learn (or at least un-hear)

(Hands held over ears) La la la la

Yesterday after our run the hubby realized he had some, um, chafing issues. More than the expected chaffed "nips" issue (which we addressed a few weeks ago...) According to him - these were a bit more "involved" and "personal".

Of course since I've run a half marathon before he asked me about his "issues". I politely informed him since I don't have the same "equipment" he has surpassed my area of expertise and must consult someone else.

Enter in my FIL. He is, indeed, a life-long runner. Who better to ask than your own dad?!?! He's got the experience (lots more than me!) and more importantly - the right equipment...

So as the hubby and I went to run errands in my car he decided to call his dad RIGHT THEN. Why it couldn't wait, I couldn't say. Did I mention my car has that hands-free, speaker phone thing??? Um, yeah...

So as I'm driving the hubby calls his dad and the conversation is on speaker. Hubby doesn't really point that out to my FIL. I kinda take it as my cue that I'm not part of this conversation.

My hubby then proceeds to tell his father that he's having some chaffing.....

FIL: where? On your breast or your penis??
Hubby: uh, um, down there...

Did I just hear my FIL say "breast" and "penis"???? And I'm NOT supposed to laugh out loud at this??? (Remember - I'm not supposed to be in this conversation...)

So the conversation turns to the finer points of proper running shorts for men. But somewhere along the line I hear:

FIL: but you know, you need to make sure the brief inside hold your balls in, ya know?
Hubby: yea, ok...

OMG! Did I just hear my FIL say "balls"??? That is too funny!! But I CAN'T laugh!! (Btw - remember I'm trying to ALSO drive this whole conversation....)

Needless to say I probably could have gone my whole life not hearing my FIL say breast, penis and balls... but it was pretty funny!!

Note: I almost expect funny shit like this to come from my MIL. But definitely NOT my FIL!!!!

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Running for my Life

Some of you may have read on FB that the hubby and I are training for a half marathon on October 16th.  Starting now I will be randomly posting thoughts, experiences, observations and reflections about this process on my blog.  You know - things I really don't want EVERYONE on FB to read. 

I know why most workout bottoms are black.

Yesterday we had a 9 mile long run.  We usually do these down at the park, well, because, our race IS at the park.  What better place to train than on your course?  Because it was cool that morning I decided to wear my charcoal capri spandex pants.  I generally wear skorts.  But I wanted my knees covered since it was only in the 50's.  And they're charcoal because I got them on sale at my one of my fav catalog workout gear places (www.titlenine.com) and they were sold out of my size in black at the time...

We set out.  Apparently a local shoe store was conducting a couch-to-5K training session so there were LOTS of people already at the park.  They were in groups walking so they weren't too hard to jog around.  When we hit mile 2.5 mile mark we starting seeing LOTS of people RUNNING (as in really fast!) the opposite direction from us.  Apparently participating in a US Army 5K run.  The hubby looked at me "Why do I feel like a salmon swimming upstream??"  We didn't know where their turn around point was.  All we could hope for was that we hit the bridge before they lapped us.  'Cuz they were hoofin' it!  (luckily we did turn off the course - to the bridge - before they caught us! whew!)

The rest of the run was uneventful.  As I was kicking it to finish our run I was passing a lot more people who had come out to enjoy the beautiful weather.  I only had a half mile to go when I looked down.

That's when I saw it. 

My crotch sweat.

Now, I ALWAYS have crotch sweat.  (sorry. TMI, I know.)  But it was REALLY obvious in gray pants!!!  So much so that it looked like I PEED MYSELF!!  This, I realize, would not have been nearly as noticable in the same pants, but black....

Great...  I know my body and I'm pretty sure I'd had this crotch sweat issue since probably - hummm.... mile THREE!  And now I'm on mile EIGHT and a HALF!  So for at least five and a half miles people have been looking at me thinking I peed myself. 

So I'm thinking people are thinking one of three things:

1 - OMG she's leaky and peed herself!!
2 - OMG she's so hard core she didn't want to stop her training run to bother to pee!!
3 - oh, her thighs rub together and create massive crotch sweat too.  huh, I though I was the only one...

So there you have it folks.  This is real reason I prefer to run in skorts.  Y'all are now in the know. 

Carry on.