Count 'em... FIFTY!!!!

Y'all know I HATE shopping for clothes for myself. And it's not just the "oh no, do I have to?" kind of hate. This hate qualifies for the Psychiatry Desk Reference. It's so bad I've been known to have panic attacks. really.

There are several reasons I hate it, not just one in particular. Part of it is the frustration of not finding the right size and fit. Pile on top of that the self-conscious confusion of not understanding where to shop in a department store (of which I have finally figured out to just stop shopping). Mix with that my total lack of (and acceptance of) fashion and style - but not acceptance of snooty sales associates. Add a slice of me hating to part with my money, regardless of how much disposable income my husband and I are fortunate to actually have (again, another one for the Psychiatry Desk Reference). And finally finish off with a dollop of (past) social anxiety. And that folks, is the fixin's for how you get a girl to have a panic attack when shopping for clothes.

Sad, isn't it.

That said, I only own three pairs of jeans. One is actually a "girl" pair, purchased in December of 2001 and 2 are "boy" pairs - as in bought from the men's section of the GAP - purchased in 2004 because the most of the few pairs I had at the time no longer fit (because they were left over from college...) The girl jeans I just started to fit back into a few months ago and the boy jeans are now way too big (and too short. I SWEAR my legs have gotten longer since I bought them...)

Now I just didn't have an epiphany the other day that I needed new jeans. Nope - been talkin' about this for months now. Just couldn't bring myself to do it. (See aforementioned issues.) My friend KM- good soul and fashion-guru that she is - offered her shopping services long ago. I did take her up on it but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to back out. KM's a good friend and I wanted to keep her as a good friend. I figured if she went shopping with me and she saw "my shopping side" the friendship might come to a grinding halt. Then for my birthday she got me a gift certificate to the mall with the specific intent for me to use for us to go jean shopping. I couldn't back out now!!

If you'll recall my birthday was January 28th. We finally went last night. I needed some talking-into... We went on a weeknight - not as crowded, less intimidating. We even forfeited a weight lifting session to go shopping! (KM and I are lifting partners.)

KM had a plan (a GREAT one if you ask me!!) I just stand in the dressing room and she brings me jeans. I just try them on. I promised no whining. Ok, maybe I didn't promise her that out loud but I promised myself that because I figured if I started whining she would never help me again. And I figured I'd probably need her help again...

First stop the GAP. Inside I cringed. Last time I bought jeans I came to the GAP, tried on EVERY style of women's jeans - no luck and then bought 2 pairs of men's. But that was also 2004. So KM starts walking from rack to rack, shelf to shelf. She knows what she's doing and she's on a mission. I'm like her little kid, right on her heels, following her around, not a clue what's going on. Every time a sales associate walks up "can I help you?" Nope lady, we got it. Look at us!! Can't you see????

The first 2 pair I try on look good. Great start. They go in the "possibility" pile. I keep going. I know I have to try on a million pairs. I've seen Stacey and Clinton on TLC. I know what this is all about (which is kinda one reason I've avoided it....) I keep trying. Most end up in the "bad" pile on the floor. No sweat. This is why I have KM. She keeps handing, I keep trying.

You've seen me. You know how I'm shaped. I'm 5'7" with short, thick legs and an "athletic" build. KM is 5'10" and has very long legs and a long and lean build. Needless to say we have body types on the opposite ends of the spectrum. I was a bit worried at first that KM would only know how to shop for her body type but she was great is getting my things that looked great on me too!!!! However, I have this weird thing with a lot of jeans. I get that big ol' gap in the back. I don't think KM is used to the gap in the back. I guess I just have more of a caboose than KM 'cuz that's all I can figure that causes the gap...

So, off to the next store we go. Try on 4 pair there. Next sore, 3 pair there, next store 5 pair there... on and on....
Express
Banana Republic
Limited
NY and Co
Macy's
back to the GAP
Old Navy

There were some noteworthy stores....

Banana Republic:
Unlike some of the other stores that have walls covered in jeans, BR has just 3 or so styles to choose and then 1 or 2 washes. That's it. But we went in anyway. You never know! We picked one pair of each style. I tried the first one. Didn't fit, legs too tight (story of my life..) Tried the next one - didn't fit, can't remember why.

Tried the third one. OH MY GOD!!! remeber the little plastic sleeves you slip onto eggs at easter, dip them into hot water and tada- nicely decorated easter eggs?? I felt like I had those plastic films on my legs (after the boiling water) but the stomach and ass was loose and back of the waistband... I can't even explain it!! It was so loose KM coulda climbed in there with me!! Not only did it just look ridiculous but our next thought was "Who in the hell did they design this for???" What exactly does this person look like???? I mean, really! We were laughing so hard we were getting funny looks from other people in the store. Laughing so hard tears were staring to form. And this was only our second or third store!!

Macy's:
This was what we thought was our last store. KM found this sailor-style pant (she's either fond of sailors or thinks I belong in the navy, I don't know which...) and had me try it on in the size I had been trying all night. Let's just say it didn't fit - as in I FLOATED in it. Yes, we were slap happy, we had now been shopping for OVER TWO HOURS!!, but it too was just styled funny. And it was Ralph Lauren!!! Again - trying to picture who this would flatter was just hilarious!


Eventually we hit a bunch of stores. My ass was draggin! I was so tired! My saddlebags were on fire form trying on all those jeans. I really did start to complain of a rash I was getting around my waist and on my saddlebags.... I told KM if I had to try on one more pair my saddlebags were going to burst into flames. So, we circled back around to the GAP to grab a pair I had put on hold. First KM made me try on MORE jeans there!! No dice. Finally I went to buy the pair the set aside earlier. You're not going to believe this - it was the FIRST pair I tried on. really. They looked good, fit good, felt good on. I bought them. Only problem. They were cute and all but wouldn't look good with my cowboy boots. They were more "trendy" type. So it was looking as though I was going to have to resume my jean hunt another day of more jeans for the boots.

By now we had been shopping for well over two hours. The mall was getting ready to close within 30 minutes. As we were walking out to the car we passed Old Navy which reminded KM that we hadn't stopped there. I really wasn't excited about it because, as I mentioned before, my ass was about to light on fire if I tried on one more pair of denim. But alas, I followed her in. Sure enough, I tried on four more pair - and there, lurking in the depths of the shelves of Old Navy were the perfect pair of jeans for my boots that also flattered my figure!! (AND were only $30!!!!)

On the way home KM and I counted it up. I tried on FIFTY pair of jeans in three hours. And could only find TWO pair that were flattering. Ugh!! So I'm the proud owner of two new pair of jeans. I bet this is just the beginning seeing as how KM is making me throw out the old ones... I'm going to need new to replace the old.... We'll see how lon git takes her to tlak me into that jean shopping trip!!