If you don't already know I should explain, briefly, my relationship with my mother. I guess I would say we are estranged. Trying to keep it brief - obviously there is quite the history here but most recently (as an adult) I have set boundaries that she refuses to acknowledge. Or maybe is incapable of acknowledging. Either way, I have decided I'm an adult and if anyone, parents included, cannot act appropriately then I have a right to to put my emotional (and my marriage) well-being first.
This Thanksgiving the hubby and I are going to my Aunt's "Martha's" house for dinner. Her family will be there as well as my Aunt Newlywed and her family. AM mentioned that every year she invites my mom but she doesn't come. (My relatives have similar issues with my mother. We all lover her but she's an emotional train wreck to anyone near her.) But aside from her issues that's no reason not to invite her.
Last night AM called sounding very concerned. She informed me that my mother and her new husband are eating dinner with someone that lives 20 minutes from my Aunt and decided they would come to her house for dessert. AM seemed to be treading lightly while telling me this. I think she anticipated me being upset.
I wasn't. I am well aware there was the possibility of my mother being there. I don't not want to see her. I'm just not going to go out of my way to see her. At this point in my life she is just another person I know. That's really it. Frankly I think I seem to handle situations with her fine. Over the past few years I've come to terms with that part of my life. I certainly think I can handle dessert with her and her new husband.
Now, if you're reading this and something to the effect of "she's going to regret not having a relationship with her mother" or some similar thought is going through your head please stop. The situation is much more complex than I've outlined here. Some people are so toxic that regardless of their relationship to you it is best to hold them at arms length.
I just hope that maybe this will be a turning point. That she realizes all the rest of us have a warm and loving relationship with each other and not her. Maybe this time she'll be ready to admit/ accept that there is something that she needs to change, and not tell everyone else they are the problem, and that she'll seek help for it.
But I'm not holding my breath. I anticipate this will be the way things will be from now on. And I'm ok with that.
3 comments:
I know you, and I've met your mom. You're fine, and you've got your priorities straight. Nobody needs to worry about anything you're doing these days.
You're good and just remember that although blue is a lovely shade on you, do not hold your breath for her epiphany. (please remind ME of the same thing in January)
i learned in one of my education classes the last stage to becoming a mature adult is the ability to look at your parents as human individuals and no longer your care givers.
congrats on outgrowing your mom. frankly i think a lot of the hippy generation never fully learned to grow up (my folks included).
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